Today is my birthday. I'm seventeen years old. It's been awhile since I last posted. I forgot what my email was to login to this blog haha. Anyway, nothing much has changed. I got a haircut Friday after renewing my license and it just made me feel a little more independent and the cutting of hair symbolized me letting go of the past. Who am I to think that I could move on with the sudden snip of scissors? I wish it were that easy. I've gradually realized that I can't fool myself into thinking that Tori will ever come back into my life. It's a hard idea to process. I mean, when I picture myself in the future with a family. It's not with Tori. My mind and heart has finally understood that some things cannot be. She and her boyfriend of two years broke up and I can't help but feel a bit sad yet relieved at the same time. I knew she could do better. I knew she would be perfect with me. The chemistry, the bonding, the love.
But why am I talking about her on my birthday? I remember for the past two birthdays, I've wished for her to come back. But this year, I'm wishing for someone new. Heck, I just want to come out of the closet. But I need someone to help push me. What's the point of coming out of the closet if you don't have someone you love? I know I should come out for myself, but I don't feel the need to go around parading my sexuality. I feel the need to come out when I have met someone worth coming out for. Maybe that's my excuse for being a coward, but whatever, it's my life and I can decide when to come out.
This school year has been a mundane whirlwind. I've had my laughs, but none that really stick with me. I've had friends and conversations, but nothing lasting or impacting. Like the character Tea from Skins, I feel like nobody compares. I can really relate to her. Shutting people out and just feeling afraid of love. Even though I've been burned badly in the past. I still have faith that I will find a best friend who is worth opening up to and a lover who I can wholeheartedly love. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe throw in a nice college experience as well lol.
College.. college.. college. I'm seventeen. I never thought this day would come so soon, but next year I will be eighteen. An adult. Ready or not ready for college. I still haven't decided on where I want to go. I can get accepted to any school I set my mind on, it's just a matter of living independently that scares me. I also want to start over truthfully. I don't want to say I'm bisexual. I don't want to say I'm straight. I want to tell people that I'm a lesbian. I just want to be free. Isn't that part of why college is so wonderful? Being your own person. As for now, being a seventeen year old high school junior doesn't sound so bad. I don't think I'm ready for the big world yet. But until then, I'll be looking out for something or someone meaningful. Happy birthday to me :]
