Just 2 and a half more days of school until winter break shows its bittersweet face. 2010 is almost over. Somehow, I have changed. Somehow, I am still the same. I guess that's what happens when you grow up and realize things. Things that make you question your very existence, your very core, your beliefs and who you are and who you want to be. I should stop being cryptic or vague. School has worn me down. Better yet, people have worn me down. I pray every night to God. I know He listens. I may not subscribe to a theology specifically, but I believe in a God. I am trying to be a different person. Someone who sees the big picture. Truly. Who cares about the important things and not stress about the small stuff. God, so much has changed since 8th grade. I don't even know myself sometimes. I lay awake at night and think about her. It's been three years. It still hurts a little. Why do I put myself through this?
Anyway, I went on a school field trip with this teacher who is gorgeous. She reminded me of Tori. Her blonde hair, blue eyes, playfulness, and kindness. I sat next to her in the car and imagined us as a couple. Her hand on the steering wheel, while the other is holding my hand. I would lean my head against her shoulder and close my eyes. I would be satisfied. Forever. Why can't that happen? Is it because I'm too much of a coward to 'expose' my true self to the people I know? Is it because I'm waiting for the 'one' to come along? It scares me sometimes... when I think about how alone I will be if I don't take the first step to come out or hit on a girl. I think some girl hit on me. I'm not so sure, but I guess I was naive all along to think that I wasn't giving off any lesbian vibes. I mean.. she friended me on FaceBook and liked an old profile picture of me. Maybe she's just being friendly. I don't know.. I've never had a conversation with her or anything. Oh well, she's not my type.
I was going on a tangent there and now.. this has just become a typical diary entry. With no audience. No applause. Better yet, no critics. I guess it has its ups and downs. I just wish I had someone to hold. To lean against. To kiss their eyelashes, forehead, neck, head and soul. God has always tested my patience and faith. I won't let him down. I know there's someone beautiful in store for me. All this pain and loneliness is just to show me how horrible it can be until I've found the 'one'. Until then God.. until then.
