17 years young

Today is my birthday. I'm seventeen years old. It's been awhile since I last posted. I forgot what my email was to login to this blog haha. Anyway, nothing much has changed. I got a haircut Friday after renewing my license and it just made me feel a little more independent and the cutting of hair symbolized me letting go of the past. Who am I to think that I could move on with the sudden snip of scissors? I wish it were that easy. I've gradually realized that I can't fool myself into thinking that Tori will ever come back into my life. It's a hard idea to process. I mean, when I picture myself in the future with a family. It's not with Tori. My mind and heart has finally understood that some things cannot be. She and her boyfriend of two years broke up and I can't help but feel a bit sad yet relieved at the same time. I knew she could do better. I knew she would be perfect with me. The chemistry, the bonding, the love.

But why am I talking about her on my birthday? I remember for the past two birthdays, I've wished for her to come back. But this year, I'm wishing for someone new. Heck, I just want to come out of the closet. But I need someone to help push me. What's the point of coming out of the closet if you don't have someone you love? I know I should come out for myself, but I don't feel the need to go around parading my sexuality. I feel the need to come out when I have met someone worth coming out for. Maybe that's my excuse for being a coward, but whatever, it's my life and I can decide when to come out.

This school year has been a mundane whirlwind. I've had my laughs, but none that really stick with me. I've had friends and conversations, but nothing lasting or impacting. Like the character Tea from Skins, I feel like nobody compares. I can really relate to her. Shutting people out and just feeling afraid of love. Even though I've been burned badly in the past. I still have faith that I will find a best friend who is worth opening up to and a lover who I can wholeheartedly love. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe throw in a nice college experience as well lol.

College.. college.. college. I'm seventeen. I never thought this day would come so soon, but next year I will be eighteen. An adult. Ready or not ready for college. I still haven't decided on where I want to go. I can get accepted to any school I set my mind on, it's just a matter of living independently that scares me. I also want to start over truthfully. I don't want to say I'm bisexual. I don't want to say I'm straight. I want to tell people that I'm a lesbian. I just want to be free. Isn't that part of why college is so wonderful? Being your own person. As for now, being a seventeen year old high school junior doesn't sound so bad. I don't think I'm ready for the big world yet. But until then, I'll be looking out for something or someone meaningful. Happy birthday to me :]

the silence

Just 2 and a half more days of school until winter break shows its bittersweet face. 2010 is almost over. Somehow, I have changed. Somehow, I am still the same. I guess that's what happens when you grow up and realize things. Things that make you question your very existence, your very core, your beliefs and who you are and who you want to be. I should stop being cryptic or vague. School has worn me down. Better yet, people have worn me down. I pray every night to God. I know He listens. I may not subscribe to a theology specifically, but I believe in a God. I am trying to be a different person. Someone who sees the big picture. Truly. Who cares about the important things and not stress about the small stuff. God, so much has changed since 8th grade. I don't even know myself sometimes. I lay awake at night and think about her. It's been three years. It still hurts a little. Why do I put myself through this?

Anyway, I went on a school field trip with this teacher who is gorgeous. She reminded me of Tori. Her blonde hair, blue eyes, playfulness, and kindness. I sat next to her in the car and imagined us as a couple. Her hand on the steering wheel, while the other is holding my hand. I would lean my head against her shoulder and close my eyes. I would be satisfied. Forever. Why can't that happen? Is it because I'm too much of a coward to 'expose' my true self to the people I know? Is it because I'm waiting for the 'one' to come along? It scares me sometimes... when I think about how alone I will be if I don't take the first step to come out or hit on a girl. I think some girl hit on me. I'm not so sure, but I guess I was naive all along to think that I wasn't giving off any lesbian vibes. I mean.. she friended me on FaceBook and liked an old profile picture of me. Maybe she's just being friendly. I don't know.. I've never had a conversation with her or anything. Oh well, she's not my type.

I was going on a tangent there and now.. this has just become a typical diary entry. With no audience. No applause. Better yet, no critics. I guess it has its ups and downs. I just wish I had someone to hold. To lean against. To kiss their eyelashes, forehead, neck, head and soul. God has always tested my patience and faith. I won't let him down. I know there's someone beautiful in store for me. All this pain and loneliness is just to show me how horrible it can be until I've found the 'one'. Until then God.. until then.

dream it out

I don't remember you lookin' any better
But then again I don't remember you.


I dreamed about her again. But this time I couldn't remember what happened in my dream. I forgot it all. The moment I remembered what I had dreamed about, it vanished. Never to be known. A mystic fog. -insert dramatic metaphor-. Yeah. I'm over it. She signed on AIM last night, maybe that's why the memory of her crawled its way into my unconscious. She's been on AIM for three nights in a row now. Who else could she be talking to? That's not my place anymore. I see people in love and it's so cute and adorable. I wish I had something like that. Maybe I wouldn't toss and turn so much in bed. Maybe I wouldn't have this blog in the first place, lol. Who knows, who cares... I wish I could whole-heartedly agree with that statement, but I know I will always care about finding someone. I wish it didn't bother me so, but it gnaws away at my heart every night when I lay in bed alone.

when i said goodnight tonight, it meant goodbye

Life's alright. I've been busy with school lately. I stayed at home and passed out candy for Halloween. I haven't been feeling in the spirit for anything. Sometimes I wonder if she sucked the life out of me, or if this was something that was bound to happen. I'd like to think she brought out the good side of me, but what if I never had one to begin with? Why do I keep counting.. She left me on my driveway. Both of us thinking we would see each other again. Only one of us realized the gravity of that situation. The permanence of our last words ever spoken.

"Good night."

'Cause blinded, I was.. blindsided.

And here I am again. Back to square one. Thinking about you. Stupid, stupid me. It's been two years since I've last seen you and only three months since I've last talked to you on AIM. It's so strange to think how inseparable we were back then. People used to joke about us being a couple and I secretly liked it. We only talk once a year, and that's just to say happy birthday to each other. I can't forget what we had. Our friendship and the memories. You were my first love, and my only love. You live only 10 miles away from me, yet it feels like it would take a lifetime to see you again. Maybe I'll see you again in a reunion or something cheesy like that. I'd never go to one of those things, but for you, I would do anything.

I still remember the pain and agony I suffered for the past two years and now.. I feel numb. It's relieving yet scary to think that these feelings I had for you are fading away. But like a patient just awakening from their coma, I knew you meant something. You meant the world to me, but I can't quite seem to remember how or why it came to this. This tragic ending. When I said good night to you on my driveway, I had no idea it would be the last time I would see you. July 16, 2008. No other date had such a painful history for me. Losing your first love. Not even having the chance to tell them how you truly felt.

It was 8th grade. I barely realized I was into girls. She woke me up and made me feel who I really am. I wish she would come back and wake me up again. I feel like a zombie. No emotional attachments to anyone. No meaningful friendships. Nothing. Just a ghost. I wish I was a ghost. I could go back in time and just watch our story unfold again. Please. I thought I was over you. But now I have finally understood that these things just stay with you, no matter the time or the distance. You left a mark and I'll always love you.

have you forgotten how to love yourself?

Why does it always come down to this? You try your best, yet it's never enough for someone. Instead of thanking you for trying, she gives you shit and all you do is swallow your anger and pride because you don't want to add fuel to the fire. Let her misunderstand everything. She doesn't want to listen. She just wants to be right. You're not her little daughter anymore, you're just a stranger. To everyone, even to yourself.

with all the love, their hearts will sink

Hung out at my best friend's house with some friends. Some things bugged me. I wish I weren't so nice and quiet about everything that bothers me, but I have a habit of keeping it all in and bottling it up. I just don't get it. I give rides and help my friends out whenever, but it seems as though they don't give it much thought. I'm not a doormat, I just like to help my friends out so that one day, they could do the same. I'm still waiting for that one day to come after all these years..

It also sucks that someone with such a horrible personality has a lot of guys liking her. This one guy is such a sweet guy and he deserves a girl who isn't a player. It seems as though I just don't understand a lot of things today.